001 The Thing That Cannot Be Contained

The Department of Extraordinary Persons and Items would like to remind you to forget their existence. They would also like to ensure you that they have never existed and have no idea how you became aware of their presence. If you are to publicize any form of material that says otherwise, they said, they will erase any mention of you and your loved ones will forget whoever you were.

“Oh, they’ll be gone. Goner than a pack of chewable crickets in the supermarket. I think people still eat that. Right?” An agent said in a quick statement about you.

The Department has issued notices pertaining to the escape of the The Thing That Cannot Be Contained over all of its local sites in the south of Latin America. If any agents are to encounter it, they are advised to request further help from any nearby agents and possible support from local authorities who are willing to be bribed. All agents are reminded that The Thing That Cannot Be Contained has a poor intelligence and will not attempt to leave its withholding cell if it is told it is not in a withholding cell and is instead free.

The cause of the escape of The Thing That Cannot Be Contained was from the ignorance of Dr. Santiago who had absentmindedly told it that it was trapped and imprisoned in a cell. Despite after years and years of telling The Thing That Cannot Be Contained was indeed free and had chosen to be in the site where its freedom could be expressed, it believed it was truly imprisoned and therefore escaped the facility. Dr. Santiago had commited this nefarious deed via the direct result of losing a bet with his friends. He is being reprimanded and has been given toilet-cleaning duty on every Sunday for three long years.

Personnel of the Department should know that The Thing That Cannot Be Contained has never murdered or been the result of any deaths. It’s just that it’s really annoying by going up to locals and shouting to their face that it is free and will always be free and never be not so, and then it sometimes spits on their faces. Due to its very public behavior, it is easy to find, but it is very annoying and it doesn’t hurt to have a friend beside you as you try to capture it. It is also immortal and wears no clothes.

The Thing That Cannot Be Contained is expected to be caught within this week. If not, the Department will send in a troop of special agents to remove it. Agent Maya and Agent Carlos are currently in pursuit of The Thing That Cannot Be Contained.

The Department with all its global influence has asked personnel to not discuss politics within the working area, including the break rooms where there is no breaking but instead chatting. Okay, maybe a few friendships are broken there, but never mind that. This is a non-political organization and will never side with the bloodless and terrible people politicians are. The Department also does not recognize politicians as people, so agents are allowed to use extensive memory erasure and maybe a few extra experimental methods to see their effect on the human body when they see a politician as a threat. That includes mayors, governors, civil servants, and presidents. See the Handbook for Dealing with Civilians for more information.

A site in the northern part of California has reported severe weather anomalies in a small region of space located near them. The region of space compromises a small tree with an unmarked grave. The region is cubic and has an area of four meters squared. The site has reported these dimensions via using one of their satellites that they hijacked from the government. Although the satellite only gave measurements in imperial units, the site has registered them in metric, because imperial units are awful and should be avoided whenever possible. Also, they cause retardation.

And now, this week’s poem by your Maria Heedings:

I am seeing, in the distance, of a made-out land.
Trees rough as the sand.
Water here as soft as liquor. Women dancing
On the bananas. Little boys crying
With their metal beaks. The mountains with their lush green and cadence of air around them are welcoming me again.
I feel welcome. I feel free. I am free. Yes, there never
Was any prison. I am free and never was
Not. Now, I feel good. Good.

More about the The Thing That Cannot Be Contained: local reports are filing in about a naked man harassing townspeople by going up to them, saying things in English which they had a hard time understanding, and spitting on their faces. Agents Maya and Carlos have went to this place where it was happening: a lovely small town deep inside the forests of Chile. They have found The Thing That Cannot Be Contained and after numerous threats to its safety, Agent Carlos told it being in a withholding cell would actually mean it will feel more free as less is often more. Using her public speaking classes from her training and motivational voice, Maya was then able to finally convince The Thing That Cannot Be Contained the made-up truth we use to contain it, and it worked. The Thing That Cannot Be Contained is now back to its withholding cell and Dr. Santiago is banned from ever coming near its cell.

The Department, in light of Dr. Santiago’s stupidity, asks all personnel across all its sites to remember to not treat the Extraordinary Items and Extraordinary Persons as something trivial. That their containment is for the public’s good, and the safety of humanity is always the Department’s greatest priority. Personnel should treat their jobs seriously, and not something they do to pay for their bills.

And speaking about paying for your bills, here’s this week’s sponsorship:

More. More. Yes, more. Have more? Yes, more. 
Want more things: have more things. 
Having more things helps you have more things. 
That is good. Get more things. 
Fuel your capitlaist economy that doesn't give a fuck about you. 
More. Brought to you by More Corporation.  

Readers of the only newspaper the Department has ever authorized and staffed by only one employee, Maria Heedings, who is writing this as of the moment, are requested to never share a word, thread, or even a breath about the Department. Doing so will cause permanent damage to your being, based on how the nearest personnel from the Department are feeling that day.

This has been Maria Heedings. Today’s adage is: do not lose yourself in the void; you are free when you forget.